Teal Wings

So this past week and a half has been a tough one. For those readers of mine (you do exist right?) who didn't know, we lost a very important person in our family. Loosing your mom is a very hard thing to go through, but you know that there is someone who is always having a harder time with it than you. Their Mom. A mother should never have to bury their daughter, and in turn, a child should never have to bury their mother. On Thursday the 18th of February, Mema passed away and joined my Mom for more road trips and shenanigans. I was told that she went in her sleep, much like my mom did. And I can only hope that she knew how much we all loved her.   I remember when I was little, she would take my sister and I on the weekends my mom had us sometimes so that my mom could get a little break. On those weekends, we would make cookies on Saturday, go to the park, and on Sunday we would have breakfast. Alex, if you're reading this, I hope you remember this part.... We would make waf...

Who I am      If you asked me 5 years ago who i though i would be today, I would have said this : a graduate, a nurse, a good person. I would be someone people would think about and smile. A famous poet, maybe. or an apprentice to my mom. At 15 I had all kinds of ideas of who I would be, where I would be. New York, San Fransisco, somewhere exciting. At 17, I was planning on going to a school in New York to be come an Actor. Doing the applications with my then best friend was a ball. But, I couldn't justify leaving Spokane for myself.   Flash forward 5 years and here I am. Laying on my bed, writing a blog about who I am. I have some lyrics stuck in my head that make perfect sense right now.  "I'm a saint and I'm a sinner, I'm a loser; I'm a winner,I am steady and unstable,I'm young, but I am able". When I look back on who i thought I would be, I am not at all surprised that none of those things happened.  5 years ago, I wanted nothing more than t...

I just typed up an amazing looking recipe for dinner tonight that made me think of some of the weird things my Mom made my sister and I sometimes. The oven nachos, and white pizza are still my favorite. I am taken back to when she attempted to make steak while on the phone with Aunt Juli.... she never tried that again. Too much pepper! I keep on thinking about how the food I make is very close to the type she would make. I made meatloaf this week and thought about how it was the same way she did it, with the same sauce.   I realized that no matter what I do, I will always have some part of my mom influencing everything that I do. And that is okay. You don't have to worry about never knowing what to do at least! When I look out of a window, I don't just see sky. I see the perfect time of day to take a picture. When I make a dish, I think of the perfect seasonings to add to make it "just right".  How I drive, dress, and talk, all comes back to how she raised me. I am...

Rearranging Life   I often get bored late at night and can't sleep. I start thinking about life, and everything that has happened. Then I start thinking about things that will happen and the things that won't because of what has. My mind goes off on so many tangents that sometimes, like now, it's hard for me to sleep. Tonight I am thinking about how I am going to rearrange my bedroom. My mom always rearranged things when we were at my dads so that she could do it in peace. Maybe that's why it bothers me so much when Adams mom does it... ha ha. We would go away for a weekend and then come back and everything would be different. But, then again, that's just how life is isn't it? I remember her favorite place to put the couch on 27th was right in the path of the door so there was a little makeshift walkway. When she got together with Jim, she stopped doing that except when he was home. Thank whatever lord you're into, I was excited. when she was diagnosed, s...

Christmas Cookies   This Christmas was a fun one... I mean that. I got a pasta maker and all of the trimmings from Adam. I can't wait to dig into that and make a giant mess! :) I also made a ton of Christmas cookies with Adam's mom. And by a ton, I do mean, a ton. From Rosettes to Snicker doodles, we covered all of the bases. It was also a hard time for me. Here I was, making these cookies and I was taken back to when my own mom and I would make them. That was one of our favorite things to do together. We cooked and we baked cookies. My favorite memories of my mom are from the holidays. We would watch movies when I got home from school and go on a wrapping spree. One year my thing was DVDs for all my siblings. That was the last Christmas we all had with her and man was it a blast! We got loaded up on Roast Beast and then watched the Super Troopers that I got Dad for Christmas and I promptly passed out on the floor. But the best part of the holidays that we enjoyed were the b...

On My Wedding Day   " You're scary calm" was a common sentence that was said to me when I married the love of my life on November 26, 2015. When in complete honesty, it wasn't because I was calm, I was thinking about someone very important who was missing.  When I imagined getting ready for my wedding day, I pictured my mom helping me put my dress on, and doing my hair. I never thought that she wouldn't be there to do it. I also had pictured her giving me away. In October of 2014 when I had told her I was engaged, I had mentioned how she needed to be around so that she could walk me down the aisle. I remember her laughing about how funny it would be with her walker and her shuffling.... it would be a long walk for us. On my wedding day, it was a very emotional day. here I was, marrying my best friend, in front of those we love most, and the one person I looked up to the most was missing. I couldn't help but wonder if she would have been proud. Anyways, afte...

As the days grow shorter and the nights grow longer, I have a greater fear inside of me that I'm not sure if I can handle. When my mom died, apart of me died with her. And in this past year, it has been a crazy roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes, I feel like it's an amusement park of emotions. The first few weeks after she died, I had hallucinations and nightmares. I would wake up with her sitting on the floor next to me. Call it what you will, but I believe she was watching out for me. In the next few months, Adam and I moved, we started culinary school, and dropped out. In that time I gained an intense amount of weight. Depression does that to you. I remember not being able to sleep and having to take really strong doses of sleeping pills to attempt to sleep. Then came our wedding. I'll get to that in a later post. After that, cue the nightmares again. As the anniversary of her passing comes on Wednesday, I'm scared. If it weren't for the perfume bottle I have,...