Recipes

I just typed up an amazing looking recipe for dinner tonight that made me think of some of the weird things my Mom made my sister and I sometimes. The oven nachos, and white pizza are still my favorite. I am taken back to when she attempted to make steak while on the phone with Aunt Juli.... she never tried that again. Too much pepper! I keep on thinking about how the food I make is very close to the type she would make. I made meatloaf this week and thought about how it was the same way she did it, with the same sauce.
 

I realized that no matter what I do, I will always have some part of my mom influencing everything that I do. And that is okay. You don't have to worry about never knowing what to do at least! When I look out of a window, I don't just see sky. I see the perfect time of day to take a picture. When I make a dish, I think of the perfect seasonings to add to make it "just right".  How I drive, dress, and talk, all comes back to how she raised me. I am a recipe of myself, and of my mom all rolled into one.
 

My last post may have seemed like I put to much on myself, but I wasn't really noticing until it was pointed out to me by my wonderful cousin. Sometimes, I am too hard on myself. I'm trying to be the person that many expected  me to be. But here's the thing, I can only be one person. Myself. The standards that I was always held to ended up causing a great deal of anxiety and depression because I couldn't live up to them. I would have to be a God to live up to those standards. I realized that about a year ago, after the damage had been done. But the one major person in my life that helped me to see it was okay was Jim. He told me that it didn't matter what I did because I had to live with it. Nobody else, just me. As long as I was happy with myself, then he was. I'd like to think that that's how my mom would feel too. Maybe she did, and maybe she didn't. But that's okay too.
 

I can't continue to live like everyone else wants me to. I can only live how I want to.