Rearranging Life
 

I often get bored late at night and can't sleep. I start thinking about life, and everything that has happened. Then I start thinking about things that will happen and the things that won't because of what has. My mind goes off on so many tangents that sometimes, like now, it's hard for me to sleep. Tonight I am thinking about how I am going to rearrange my bedroom. My mom always rearranged things when we were at my dads so that she could do it in peace. Maybe that's why it bothers me so much when Adams mom does it... ha ha. We would go away for a weekend and then come back and everything would be different. But, then again, that's just how life is isn't it? I remember her favorite place to put the couch on 27th was right in the path of the door so there was a little makeshift walkway. When she got together with Jim, she stopped doing that except when he was home. Thank whatever lord you're into, I was excited. when she was diagnosed, she didn't rearrange as much, and then when they moved into the house they're at now, she never rearranged... but maybe that has something to do with the fact that she wasn't  there long enough to get bored. Now here I am, at midnight thinking of the same things that she thought of, and wearing the same types of clothes she did. I sometimes wonder how I look to certain people when I look like her. Do they see me, or her? I've started talking like her, and acting like her. I've been told I should get a job at the lab because I can do everything like her. And apart of that terrifies me. I am so terrified that I really will end up exactly my mom sometimes. Then I realize that it isn't really a bad thing. She was loving and sarcastic. And damn if she didn't always get the last word in. I honestly don't know if I can live up to what people expect of me because I feel like they are expecting my mom. I will never be half of the women, mother, aunt, sister, or friend that she was. So I will continue taking pictures, like the one below. And continue to try to find myself while continuing to hold onto my mom.
 

Pictured above is the last picture of my mom to my knowledge. It was taken at Jackson's first birthday the day after she told me her kidneys were failing. I knew that I needed to take that picture of her and Mema. I was rather surprised when I got on her computer and it was still there. Maybe she was saving it for me.