Rainbow Wings

Today I had a discussion with a friend of mine about something that I realized some people don’t know about me. In the video I did, I don’t believe I mentioned something that is a big part of me and my husband. In May, we helped with the Drama production and I was sitting in the cafeteria about to throw up because the smell of Adam’s salad was making me sick. For that entire week, all I could eat was saltine crackers, and drink water or peach tea. Come to find out, it was morning sickness. The night the play opened though, I got a slap in the face from Mother Nature. I figured it was just a stomach bug that I had, but I was concerned about how painful and, to be honest, disgusting my period was. I went to the doctor and we discussed it, and came to the conclusion that it was probably an early miscarriage. Adam and I walked out of that doctor’s appointment, and by the time I got to the car, I was numb. A week earlier we were sitting on stage talking to our friends about how we were trying for a baby, something only a very select set of people knew about. And in that moment, I was heartbroken. I was driving home, and all I could think about is how our baby is with their grandmother, and great grandmothers now. With their cousins, and their extended cousins. At least they weren’t alone right?

We went home, and didn’t really know what to say, or do. So I turned to my closest friend (family is always there by the way), and talked to Briana about it. I was so confused. I wouldn’t have been that far along so I didn’t even know if it counted as a pregnancy. For almost a month, all I had was terrible cramps and I was so tired. But I still had work. I had just gotten a job and had to start work two days after we found out what was wrong. We told a select few people, and I’m sure word got out after that. But still, I had to go to work and pretend like everything was fine, even when it wasn’t. I went to the bowling alley to help my dad, and to work, and kept on living.

Today, we are still trying. Next month will be a year of trying and getting no results, and I have to say, I am getting pretty sick and tired of it. I had a conversation with Adam about how I just wanted to say “screw it, and let it happen when it does”. But we are also sick of hearing that it’ll happen when it happens. I believe the term I’m looking for is impatient.

The reason I am writing about this is because this subject is a very taboo thing. Most people don’t talk about it. I want to change that. October is National Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month. President Reagan himself declared it and said the following: “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them." If a President can acknowledge this subject, then why can’t others? 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage, and I can think immediately of 10 people I know that have. It isn’t just a number. Those women have faces. I am one of those faces, as are the 10 women I have thought about. So please, don’t shy away from the subject. Talk about it, get it out there. It’s time that some awareness was brought to this subject.