From The Heart

So it’s 12:30 A.M. while I am typing this out. I have my Pandora Radio on playing Lady Antebellum and I’m just trying to think of a way to word what I want to say. Sometimes I have a hard time with things. Hard to believe right? A human having a hard time? Never! But some things are harder for me to handle than other things. Its hard for me to watch someone I love kill themselves slowly. And I guess now that I finally got to my point, I should explain. 

About two weeks ago, I found out that someone that I love is drinking themselves into an early grave. And I made the decision to cut them out of my life from that point. It wasn’t because I was mad, because I truly was, it was because I didn’t want to watch them die. You see, the last time that they drank, they ended up in the hospital and didn’t know if they were ever coming home. We didn’t know if they were either. And then I find out that they are drinking again? Seriously? I’ll admit, I was supremely pissed. But at the same time, I thought “It’s their life.”

But it is also my life. And my choice. If I don’t like something in my life, I have a right to change that don’t I? I sure as hell think I do. So in that moment, I decided to stop that negativity in my life. I had already watched my Mom die, I wasn’t willing to watch someone else that meant that much to me die too. Call me selfish, but I don’t think I can go through that again. So if the person that this is directed to is reading this, I’m sorry. But I remember what it was like the last time you drank. I have a lot of issues because of that. Most of which I am sure can be sorted through in therapy (which I’m seriously considering at this point by the way).

But you know, sometimes people just need to drink, or do something to that effect. And that’s cool for them, but they don’t see what it does to their family. And how it makes us feel. I feel like I failed because I couldn’t make things better in that person’s life. I also feel like a terrible person because I just burnt a bridge in my life. And when I have children, they’re going to have to wonder why that person isn’t around. I don’t need any “here today, gone tomorrow” people in my life, or my future children’s lives.

It’s hard to think about the future without thinking about the past. I find myself dwelling on things that happened when I was 4 or 5 years old and then thinking about how I don’t want my child to have to go through what I went through. It wasn’t easy having to remember two addresses or multiple phone numbers. And as I got older, it got even harder. Talk about a chip on my shoulders….. Anyways, I don’t know why I wrote this. Or what I’m planning to accomplish with it. Even if the person I hope reads this and doesn’t do anything, I at least know that they know how I feel. I hope they also know that I’m sorry. But at some point, I would like to listen to “Piece by Piece” without bawling my eyes out. And this was the only way I felt I could do it. 

Image by Sandi Welch from our last road trip to Sandpoint.