Teal Wings

Christmas Cookies   This Christmas was a fun one... I mean that. I got a pasta maker and all of the trimmings from Adam. I can't wait to dig into that and make a giant mess! :) I also made a ton of Christmas cookies with Adam's mom. And by a ton, I do mean, a ton. From Rosettes to Snicker doodles, we covered all of the bases. It was also a hard time for me. Here I was, making these cookies and I was taken back to when my own mom and I would make them. That was one of our favorite things to do together. We cooked and we baked cookies. My favorite memories of my mom are from the holidays. We would watch movies when I got home from school and go on a wrapping spree. One year my thing was DVDs for all my siblings. That was the last Christmas we all had with her and man was it a blast! We got loaded up on Roast Beast and then watched the Super Troopers that I got Dad for Christmas and I promptly passed out on the floor. But the best part of the holidays that we enjoyed were the b...

On My Wedding Day   " You're scary calm" was a common sentence that was said to me when I married the love of my life on November 26, 2015. When in complete honesty, it wasn't because I was calm, I was thinking about someone very important who was missing.  When I imagined getting ready for my wedding day, I pictured my mom helping me put my dress on, and doing my hair. I never thought that she wouldn't be there to do it. I also had pictured her giving me away. In October of 2014 when I had told her I was engaged, I had mentioned how she needed to be around so that she could walk me down the aisle. I remember her laughing about how funny it would be with her walker and her shuffling.... it would be a long walk for us. On my wedding day, it was a very emotional day. here I was, marrying my best friend, in front of those we love most, and the one person I looked up to the most was missing. I couldn't help but wonder if she would have been proud. Anyways, afte...

As the days grow shorter and the nights grow longer, I have a greater fear inside of me that I'm not sure if I can handle. When my mom died, apart of me died with her. And in this past year, it has been a crazy roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes, I feel like it's an amusement park of emotions. The first few weeks after she died, I had hallucinations and nightmares. I would wake up with her sitting on the floor next to me. Call it what you will, but I believe she was watching out for me. In the next few months, Adam and I moved, we started culinary school, and dropped out. In that time I gained an intense amount of weight. Depression does that to you. I remember not being able to sleep and having to take really strong doses of sleeping pills to attempt to sleep. Then came our wedding. I'll get to that in a later post. After that, cue the nightmares again. As the anniversary of her passing comes on Wednesday, I'm scared. If it weren't for the perfume bottle I have,...